Artless, Clay-Brained Barnacles

Folly, fool-born fustilarian!

Yeasty, ill-bred horn-beast!

Puny, milk-livered lout!

Who on earth might make such puzzling and disparaging remarks?

Why, William Shakespeare, of course!

The man was a master of snarky insults.

It’s probably safe to say he wasn’t much of a people person.

You know, what with all the harsh sentiments and all.

One thing’s for certain:

Nobody could’ve ever accused him of mincing words.

Not with that aptitude for verbally destroying anyone with the audacity to be anywhere in his vicinity.

Now that is talent!

And what better way to mark my 200th post than with insults, threats, and snarky remarks galore!

(Whew! Is it hot in here, or is it just me?)

(Everyone knows that elbows are best used for bending. And elbowing others. Which can be lethal, if done properly. Which I suspect the sharp-tongued Shakespeare must’ve been well aware of.)

(Not sure what a knotty-pated fool is, but it doesn’t sound very flattering. And yet, it sounds almost like a sweet compliment compared to the subsequent line. Yikes!)

(Now this is a dubious claim. If he wanted to beat somebody badly enough, age wouldn’t likely have been the biggest factor, given the intensity behind his words. Just sayin’…)

(I don’t know what it is, but some people just seem to have that effect on others.)

(Ass-whoopings and contempt for lack of intelligence seem to be a common theme here. Shakespeare probably could’ve benefited from a punching bag to release his multitude of frustrations.)

(Aw, come on. Surely everyone has at least one redeemable quality. Unless they’d landed themselves on Shakespeare’s shit list, that is.)

(Ha! It’s lights out for you, Scallywag!)

(Commendable use of heaven and hell, all in one hellishly fine simile!)

(I’ve never seen a stewed prune, so it’s hard to say how much faith I’d be comfortable placing in it. But I suppose the prune could theoretically warrant more faith than the average sheep-biting harpy. Whatever the heck that is.)

(If eyes are the windows to one’s soul, then it’d be wise to protect both eyes and soul from infectious stupidity.)

(It’s been said familiarity breeds contempt…)

(Oh, crap! It’s too late!!!)

While these were all so…delightful, I’d never personally say anything like this to another human being.

Not only because of the somewhat obsolete terminology…

But because, well, it’s kind of rude.

But still humorous, nonetheless.

~Happy Saturday, friends! Feeling inspired by Shakespeare? Great! Just don’t use that inspiration to turn all your friends into enemies. Yeesh!~

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