Failing at Fashion: Denim in Distress

So, I almost strangled myself to death the other day.

In a fitting room at Kohls.

With a sundress.

It’s true.

The sadistic contraption had way the hell too many straps.

Clothing and injury.

These two things evidently go hand in hand.

I’ve said  it before.

And I’ll gladly say it again.

I don’t understand the world of fashion.

Not one teeny, tiny bit.

Upside down jeans are poised to be the next big trend in denim.

Whoa.

And not the good kind of whoa.

More like, woe.

Upside down pants with upside down pockets and useless belt loops that graze your ankles?

Hmm.

Too kooky.

The best part, though?

They’re only $495!

But at least they cover one’s butt.

Unlike crotchless jeans.

Which are essentially a couple of scraps of denim, held together by…

Chains.

And complete with a fully exposed rear, to boot.

Definitely worth $142, don’t ya think?

Or how about the practically nonexistent jeans that couldn’t?

Couldn’t cover a thing, that is.

With 90 percent less fabric than the average pair of jeans, the $223 extreme cutout jeans with exposed pockets and exposed butt cheeks are really something.

Or not much of anything, depending on how you look at it.

And let’s talk about floss jeans.

Described as extreme lace-up jeans…

The floss-like threads comprising the leg portion are essentially thin bungee cords that wrap around the legs.

They look insanely time-consuming to put on or get off.

And downright dangerous.

It would be more efficient to wedge a wild and wiggly lunatic into a straight jacket than to squirm and squeeze your way into a pair of floss jeans.

At least they’re only $168.

Nice, right?

Ha!

For that kind of money, I expect clothing to…

a) Not to be safety endangering.

b) Not make me die of hypothermia from lack of coverage.

c) To cover my literal butt.

Is this so unreasonable?

Oh wait.

Maybe that’s just, like, not cool.

Or something.

I don’t know.

I’m not a fan of holey stuff.

Especially paying for intentionally damaged goods in the name of fashion.

Not with my hard-earned money, thank you very much.

I refuse to pay for “distressed” monstrosities.

And for heaven’s sake, no more buttless jeans!

Oh, now here’s a real winner!

Clear knee jeans.

For only $95.

Complete with…

Stylish knee windows!

And fully covered butt and crotch areas!

Jackpot!

But why stop at clear knees…

When you can rock a full pair of clear “jeans” for only $100.

They’re pants… without actually being pants.

Or how about half jeans, a.k.a. one leg jeans?

They’re perfect for those who can’t decide whether they’re hot or cold.

Nothing like half a pair of pants.

With even more butt cheeky exposure!

Oh, and  let’s not forget about zipper jeans that zip all the way around.

Presumably to air out your cheeks at your discretion.

Wow.

What a mess.

Fashion fads.

They come and they go.

But the fashion industry is clearly flying by the seat of their buttless, crotchless pants.

~Happy Friday, friends! Anyone in the market for pantless pants? If so, you’re in luck! I’m sure some designer, somewhere out there, is busy turning your dream into reality! Haha! Have a great weekend!~

Pants? Torture device? You be the judge...

Pants? Torture device? You be the judge…

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48 thoughts on “Failing at Fashion: Denim in Distress

  1. The lesser, the better – seems to be the new fad! Well that looks like a tangle of wires, did you just call it jeans? Although I have tried to get into the fashion bandwagon but had a couple of falls, on the face, I have come to believe that fashion is what suits you best. As for the rest – they have great humor!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was a laugh riot! I am not the Lone Ranger in search of regular classic jeans, phew! But does all this even exist? This is extreme provocative fashion torture. Skinny jeans are freaking sufferance enough for me! Ditto to your article sentiments- jeans fashion repels me. I don’t understand the point of it all.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. If you want to make a fashion statement without having to pay designer prices…. just put your jeans on backwards and tell everyone the Kris Kross look is coming back. As long as you don’t have to go to the bathroom, it’s also a very practical style…

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Ha ha ha! So true 🙂 Fashion is crazy these days. I love what you wrote – and that you included the prices. I remember being a kid and getting Jordache jeans, which was a huge deal. Not sure how much they were! I hope you have a wonderful Labor Day weekend. Thanks for a great post, I love to visit and laugh here. 🙂 Blessings, Debbie

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Now I remember why I avoid clothing stores like the plague. If your reflection in the three-way mirror doesn’t scare you half to death, you might get strangled by an evil sundress. I spent 3 hours in Kohl’s last week trying to find a top to go with a hippie skirt (made of multi-colored and patterned squares, like a quilt). Not one blessed blouse matched any of the 37 colors in the skirt. Most were made of slimy (nylon? rayon?) fabric with bizarre details like buttons up the back (how would you button them?), leather laces, tassels, bell bottom sleeves, etc. I finally settled on a black specimen with glittery white polka dots. At the register, I was (not) excited to learn I qualified for $10 in Kohl’s Cash, so I could return a few days later to peruse fifty more unsuitable tops. I ended up buying a package of underwear I really didn’t need because I couldn’t bear to let that stupid $10 coupon go to waste. Maybe nudist colonies will make a comeback and we can stop buying clothes. If we’re going to run around in crotchless/assless pants, it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to letting it all hang out. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Shopping is no fun. No fun at all. Especially when nothing matches. And everything is freakish looking. Maybe you’re right… Perhaps the assless/crotchless fashion is simply the precurser to full on resurgence of nudist colonies. No more stress in having to shop for pricey clothing or worrying about whether things match. Sounds pretty good… 😄

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, most guys will never experience the misery of accidental strangulation by a sundress. Lucky, lucky. 😜

      Fortunately, the choice to parade around in ridiculous jeans or other literal half-assed excuses for clothing is something nobody ever has to purposely subject themselves to. 😆

      Liked by 1 person

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