Threading the Needle

Fasting and physicals.

They both start with the notorious “f” sound.

The very same “f” that starts off fabulous words such as failure and faint.

Sounds so promising, doesn’t it?

I don’t like doctors.

I don’t like physicals.

I especially don’t like blood.

Or perhaps more specifically, I don’t like the blood work that’s part of a rather unfortunate package deal with the aforementioned physical.

And the requisite fasting before the blood work?

That right there is my worst nightmare.

Well, that, along with passing out from loss of blood.

It’s not the needles that freak me out.

It’s the fact that my body riots whenever it’s forced to part with five vials worth of blood.

And for the record, passing out sucks.

But back to the whole fasting nonsense.

No food or drink for eight hours prior to having blood drawn?

What’s up with that?

Right around the three hour mark, I typically start exhibiting signs of feral beastly hunger so intense that this vegetarian becomes pathologically unpleasant while getting dangerously close to resorting to cannibalism.

But seeing as how cannibalism is frowned upon in most parts of the world, that’s probably not the way to go.

So anyway, no food or drink prior to the sadistic practice of drawing blood is truly a hardship for me.

But according to the doctor, in addition to water, I can also enjoy a nice cup of black coffee.

Yeah, no thanks.

I’d rather be a zombie.

Given my track record of passing out every time I have blood drawn, going solo is simply not an option for me.

As I’m getting ready to head out to my impending doom, my husband is forced to monitor me closely.

Hey! What are you doing? Are you actually eating that toothpaste!?!

Maybe I am!

Come on. Spit it out. NOW!

As we drive toward the blood work lab, a similar conversation ensues.

What are you doing with that Do Not Eat packet?

This time, he doesn’t bother waiting for a response before snatching it out of my hand.

Maybe I can enjoy that as a treat after the blood work.

By this point, I’m seriously contemplating eating the wrapper off my water bottle; just yanking that sucker right off and chomping away like an uncouth mule grazing in a pasture.

We arrive 15 minutes before the lab opens, so I have more than enough time for a quick trip to the restroom.

But I’m clearly not moving fast enough for my husband’s liking.

What’s taking you so long? You’d better not be eating the toilet paper!

Ha! Like I’d really do that.

I desperately scan the contents of the trash.

But it’s early in the morning. The trashcan is practically empty, with the exception of a used tissue and an empty bottle of Victoria’s Secret lotion.

We eventually enter the dreaded lab and get down to business.

It’s over fairly quickly, actually.

Holy crap!

I didn’t pass out this time, even after all three huge vials are filled.

Of course, this is solely due to the fact that I’m laying flat across the table like roadkill instead of sitting in the chair like a normal human being.

But whatever.

It worked.

After a few minutes, the room is no longer spinning.

I peel myself off the table with as much dignity as I can muster as my husband guides me out the door like a stumbling drunk.

We stop at the first store we come across, which happens to be 7-11.

We go in and grab a few munchies.

Oh Thank Heaven for 7-11.

I devour a family-size bag of popcorn in ten minutes, tops.

It’s a huge victory, overall.

I didn’t pass out, and I didn’t starve to death.

Perhaps more importantly, I didn’t resort to inhaling yet another Do Not Eat packet.

~Happy Friday, everyone! Have a great weekend!~

Things are about to get ugly...

Things are about to get ugly…

(Threading the Needle originally appeared on Comically Quirky on 11/05/15)

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41 thoughts on “Threading the Needle

  1. Yikes. I feel for you!! I have to do this in a few weeks time for some kidney tests. One day I have to fast for eight hours and then the next day I have to drink two litres of water. Can’t say I’m looking forward to either 😕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad to hear that you didn’t pass out, but knowing that you often do must make you dread the process even more!! I hate fasting!! I get very unfriendly and super nauseous when I don’t eat.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hate fasting before blood withdrawals. And I hate blood withdrawals. I’m supposed to test my blood sugar levels and lipids/artery – I dunno. Just a regular test, because it’s time…and guess what…the lab paperwork is still sitting on my kitchen counter…for about 3-4 weeks now? That’s how much I hate doing that activity.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great read, this made my day. However, I’m not into fasting. My Muslim friend, when it’s Ramadan, It’s like a holy tradition. they don’t eat or drink water after 1pm for 1-2 months and they can only eat at 12noon. Until now she’s alive and healthy.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t get dizzy, but I sure as heck refuse to look at the blood actually being drawn while it is being drawn. I can look at a bleeding ouchie just fine, but seeing it coming out into a tube….. and a whole slew of tubes at that…….. ICK!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooh, I can’t watch blood being drawn, either. But I know plenty of sadistic people who actually seem to enjoy watching this process. Hell, just thinking about it makes me queasy. 😦

      Like

  6. In approximately 4 weeks, I plan to do a water only fast for 5 days. Believe it or not, the hard part (or so I’ve heard is only the first 2 days. After that, it is actually supposed to feel pretty good. Lots of really beneficial results from doing this including autophagy (similar to defragmenting a computer) and stem cell stimulation. I guess I’ll find out soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know there are numerous benefits to fasting. I’ve done detoxes over the years, and have done well enough with that. But flat out not eating? The only way I might be able to handle that is if I hibernate. 😛

      Liked by 1 person

      • After the first 1-2 days, it’s actually supposed to be relatively easy. I will plan activities to keep my mind busy and will reduce exercise to simply walking with Tucker. The body actually begins to scavenge “debris” and repackage it for regenerating new tissue and new structures. It is called, Autophagy. It also stimulates stem cell activity capable of many different types of repair. It improves the “driver of energy” within the cell (known as the mitochondria) and strengthens overall organ function.

        Looking forward to the experience and hopefully, the beneficial results!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Funny, I just had fasting labs done yesterday. I never get hungry after 10 PM unless I’m not allowed to eat, then my stomach groans and it feels like someone is opening and closing an umbrella inside it. Non-food items don’t interest me… well, except edible non-food items like Egg McMuffins and Croissanwiches, which seem to be plugged on every billboard along the route to the lab. I have never passed out, I’d be the laughingstock of nurses everywhere if I did. Have a great weekend, eat hearty, make up for lost time. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fortunately, I don’t actually crave inedible objects. That one time I may have eaten a Do Not Eat packet was purely accidental. 😛

      I think any “food” item from McDonald’s may well qualify as inedible objects… Yikes!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Eating bog roll hahaha. Tempting. I recently did a 24 hour fast which I had not done in years, partly spiritually, partly cleansing. I got very clumsy towards the end not to mention irritable. In the past I have gone 3 days and craved bacon sandwiches which I had not eaten since the 1980s. Self disgust level was very high!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha! Fortunately, my chances of eating a bacon sandwich are as slim as eating rolls of toilet paper. Not likely to happen. I’d rather just curl up into a ball and hibernate until it’s safely time to eat again. 😉 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  9. You are too funny Angelica. I understand how you feel but for some strange reason I actually find it okay when I have to draw blood. My last meal’s always at 7pm and then I go to the lab next morning at 6am. There’s usually a line of senior citizens waiting for the doors to open. The only thing I dread is waiting. But usually it takes only about 3 minutes and I’m done. Now when i have to give a urine sample…well that’s a whole ‘nother ballgame.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh happy Friday! I hope you got a good meal in. Ha ha, I thought the part with the toothpaste was really funny. ☺

    Many blessings for your weekend. I’m in Santa Barbara on a mini vacation and for a few spiritual events. Fun! Debbie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I do remember that 7-11 slogan… Was it really from that long ago? 😛

      For the record, the only Do Not Eat packet I may have consumed was purely unintentional. To this day, I still can’t be sure if I actually ate the stupid thing, or if that package of dried fruit simply didn’t have one enclosed, despite the warning label indicating otherwise. 😛

      Like

  11. I hate that part about not eating before labs, too. The more you know you can’t have anything, the hungrier you get! We always stop somewhere for a nice breakfast afterward, though, so that’s something to look forward to. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sometimes I try to trick myself into thinking I’d already eaten so my brain doesn’t go into panic mode. 😛

      But going out for breakfast as a reward afterward definitely motivates enough to prevent passing out. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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