Oh, the Things It Could Be!

/ Quirky Girl

Google is to hypochondriacs what meth is to a junkie.

Oh, come on.

You know the deal.

You’re suddenly afflicted with sharp stomach pains from hell, so you turn to Dr. Google to shed some insight.

Inevitably, Google leads you to sites like WebMD and Healthline for totally reliable self-diagnostic help.

After scanning through symptoms and possible causes, you manage to convince yourself it’s not simply constipation or indigestion.

No.

It’s undoubtedly a raging bout of appendicitis that is about to do you in, right there in the middle of the Back to School section at Walmart…

Unless you make a beeline for the nearest hospital right this very minute.

All you know for certain is you’re obviously dying.

I swear, the symptoms for migraines and brain damage are identical.

Ok, well. Maybe not exactly.

But seriously, have you ever noticed how so many different health issues all have the same set of symptoms?

Oh, the things it could be!

Got a headache?

It’s obviously an aneurysm, and that clock is just a tickin’.

Or it could be head trauma.

What’s that?

Don’t remember hitting your head in the first place?

Well, duh.

Wheezing and coughing?

Could be asthma.

Or a sinus infection.

Or congenital heart failure.

Fatigued?

Could be the flu.

Or Lyme disease.

Or just good ol’ PMS.

Hallucinations?

Could be schizophrenia.

Or epilepsy.

Or just poorly-interacting medications.

Irritability?

Could be hypothermia.

Or a sleep disorder.

Or meningitis.

Nauseated?

Could be food poisoning.

Or a heart attack.

Or perhaps you’re pregnant.

(Congratulations!)

Forgetful?

Could be delirium.

Or dementia.

Or head trauma.

(Seriously, quit knocking your head around!)

Oh, the things it could be!

Lucky for me, I have a high pain tolerance.

Which is great, because I’m freakishly allergic to aspirin and Advil.

Hell, I can’t even take Benadryl to counteract an allergic reaction because it knocks me out cold.

But I do take comfort in knowing I can just conk myself over the head with a frying pan to ease the pain and be good to go.

That’s all the so-called healthcare I need.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

This cute little bear has the right idea. Just stick a band-aid on and call it a day.

51 thoughts on “Oh, the Things It Could Be!”

  11. Oh yeah, now you’re cooking! I was a nurse for a long time, and I’ve heard it all, I think. Googling is THE NUMBER ONE source for medical info. Weirdly, I am in the midst of writing a poem about hypochondria which may show up on my blog at a later date. 🙂

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  15. Ha, I don’t get this at all! I don’t even want a doctor to tell me what’s wrong with me…. why would I want to try learning the horrible news myself? I’d rather suffer and die under a shroud of mystery… put that in my obituary please!

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  17. Yep, been there, done it, was proved wrong (thank goodness). The stress and worry Dr Google caused was phenomenal. Have I learned my lesson, probably not, but I take a huge pinch of salt with it now. Teddy certainly has the right idea, hope he gets better soon.

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    • Welcome to Comically Quirky! And thank you! Yeah, I think every one of us probably suffers from every last one of those ailments, or at least some combination of all the worst ones. 😛

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