Jarring Judicial Jitters

Augh!!!

It’s the single-most dreaded piece of mail to ever plague humanity.

That’s right.

A jury duty summons.

So many ponderings raced through my brain.

But luckily, No Man’s Land offers an exemption for parents with kids under the age of 12.

Twelve?!?

Are you kidding me? 

Have you seen my kids in action?

While I’m fortunate that one of them is indeed still younger than 12, they’re both probably going to require constant and direct supervision for a long time.

Like, until they’re 30.

At the very least.

I can’t, in good faith, leave them unattended for prolonged periods of time to burn the house down or clear out all of the neighbors’ refrigerators.

Uh uh.

Yet, there are seemingly no provisions for a lack of remaining sanity, other than the requirement of having sound mind and good judgment.

But isn’t this all relative?

I mean, my own questionable judgment leaves me scratching my head at times.

But am truly I insane in the brain?

Or insane in the membrane?

Probably not, by any clinical definition.

(Sorry, Cypress Hill.)

I’ve been told some people actually enjoy jury duty.

This is difficult to fathom, but more power to those good citizens for carrying out their civic duty without complaint.

For me, though, I can think of a whole host of reasons for why I personally might not be a good fit once I no longer qualify for an exemption.

I’d probably start off by pretending I’m anti-everything-under-the-sun.

Do you believe in justice?

I don’t know. Maybe?

Are you a fan of leniency?

No.

Are you for the death penalty?

No.

Do you even like people?

Hell, no! 

Ah, so you’re an antisocial people-hater.

That’s right! But at least I’m an equal opportunity people-hater!

Alrighty then… consider yourself excused. Seriously, please go ahead and show yourself the door.

Okay, so this isn’t exactly true.

I am not a people-hater.

I do like (most) people well enough.

Along with peace, rainbows, butterflies, and all that good stuff.

Ooh, a butterfly!

Did I mention I have the attention span of a flea?

It’s true.

I can’t sit still for five minutes.

And my overactive, imaginative mind is also prone to wandering.

Big time.

Should I show them I’m a raging psychopath by pairing a badly painted on Joker-like smile with completely mismatched shoes and a pair of Depends over my pants?

Or start roaring like a stegosaurus?

Or make a show of entering the courtroom while head banging to Let the Bodies Hit the Floor?

Or better yet…

Sing a catchy duet with a scruffy stuffed teddy bear that’s perched on my shoulder.

And if that doesn’t work, I could claim that the stuffed animal is actually a service pet, then bring it into the courtroom and proceed to defiantly whisper garbled, jumbled nonsense to it throughout deliberations.

Oh, yeah!

Or why not employ serious Valley Girl talk?

Like, oh my god!

He, like, did what?

Like, oh my God!

Oh my God, oh my God!

That meany man, like, totally maybe, like, killed somebody, and stuff! 

Hmmm.

Act smart!

No, pretend to be stupid!

No, just act totally average!

Say what?

It’s all such conflicting advice.

Well, when in doubt, why not mix things up a bit?

No comprendo!

Me not be get it!

What is this ‘reasonable doubt’ and ‘guilt’ you be speaking of?

Me still don’t not get it!

Or why not break out in laughter at totally inappropriate moments?

Or demand to be exclusively assigned to incredibly bizarre cases?

Preferably one about a guy who stole a Blue Ribbon winning pot belly pig named Bacon and then really turned him into bacon.

Or a case with an old lady who ran over a farmer’s favorite cow when the cow stuck its head out of a fence and into traffic to eat greener grass.

Or what about the true story of an elderly gentleman in Kansas City who robbed a bank…

And then stuck around until the police arrived to inform the cops that he’d only robbed the bank because he couldn’t stand to spend another minute at home with his wife.

Must’ve really been a match made in heaven for a guy to decide he’d rather go to jail than be home with his own wife.

But unfortunately, it didn’t turn the way he’d hoped, because along with probation and community service, the guy was also sentenced to 6 months of home confinement.

Well, so much for that.

Oh, but I really shouldn’t worry so much.

After all, I have virtually no sense of direction, so it’s unlikely I’d ever find my way to the courthouse, anyway.

If I truly had to go, that is.

Although…

To be fair, escaping to jury duty when you’ve got wild and crazy kids might not be such a bad thing.

Hell, it might even be the next closest thing to a vacation

Especially if there are spinning chairs involved.

Wheeeeee!!!!

~Happy weekend and Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there!~

As fun as this looks, why add to the mayhem? I think it'd be best for me to do everyone a favor and keep my hyperactive, overactive-brained self safely at home.

As fun as this looks, why add to the mayhem? I think it’d be best for me to do everyone a favor and keep my hyperactive, overactive-brained self safely at home.

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40 thoughts on “Jarring Judicial Jitters

  1. I used to work with a retiree (that liked working for extra supplemental reasons) and she would say “Oh, they don’t like me, because if you’re being tried you’re guilty. I say HANG ‘EM all. There are no innocents here.”

    Hahaha, and ensures her quick freedom. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was on call for jury duty last week and never even had to go…. which means under the old system before they had the website to check, I’d have sat up there for two days and done nothing again….

    Though I would have gotten Monday and Tuesday off work…

    Paid….

    With my normal Wednesday and Thursday weekend tacked on to it….

    For a few hours of sitting in a dungeon…

    Hey, I used to LOVE “jury duty!” The only thing that seems like is missing from jury duty is……. well, actually getting the chance to BE on a jury. Seems everyone wants to settle or plead these days…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I guess for some, that could be considered a break, especially when your employer pays for you to be anywhere else besides work. The nerve of all those people who choose to settle and waste everyone’s time! 😝

      Like

  3. Love it! The guy sentenced to 6 months of home confinement? Bwa ha ha. Karma kicks ass. I think you should print off this blog and mail it in with your jury duty form. If that doesn’t scare them off and get you an excusal, I don’t know what will. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now that is a fine idea! It would be far too time consuming to try to demonstrate in person the full range of my quirkiness, so it’s probably best if they just read this post to get a glimpse of what exactly I am capable of. 😝

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Ha ha ha! This is so great. 🙂 I needed a laugh this am.
    Love the part with the Valley Girl and mixing it up a bit.

    You are so awesome. I hope you and your wild and crazy kids have a super fun weekend. I’m in the last weekend of a spiritual coaching class. It’s been amazing and so full of joy for me 🙂

    Blessings and smiles, Debbie

    Like

  5. I was proud to do my civic duty. I showed up early, responsive and excited to participate in this noble honorable process. It took a little time convincing the security guard to allow my ventriloquist puppet through the security zone, but after my puppet pulled a quarter out of the guards ear, he considered him safe.
    As I was questioned by the attorneys, they appeared angry as my lips never responded to their questions. They seemed less interested in what came out of the mouth of my puppet. Unfortunately, I was not offered the opportunity to sit as a juror with my puppet on any real cases.
    Its obvious there is great hatred and prejudice in this world today against ventriloquists and their puppets. I’m sure it has something to do with President Trump, because everything else in life is blamed on him.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey
    Thank you for taking the time to step on over to Love Relaished Ink. It’s wonderful to have your whimsical soul as a new companion on my long and winding road.
    From what I have seen of your blog so far, I’ve no doubt you are already finding writing a totally engaging and personally fulfilling experience. I hope the pleasurable company of words will always flow and follow you as you flow following the flow of your flowing path flowing into the wide blue yonder, and flow onwards towards the adventures that follow the flow beyond that…
    Best wishes. Take care always in all ways for always.
    Namaste

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ugh…the dreaded call for jury duty. I totally understand what you’re feeling. I got called five times…YES, FIVE TIMES! Can you believe that. And all five times I was lucky enough not to get picked to be on the jury. Guess the judicial system has been pinning away to make me serve one time. After a stressful week, I’m glad i got to end it with your hilarious post. Thanks Angelica, I really needed a laugh to start the weekend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh wow! The judicial system must really believe in the quality of your character, or at the very least, think you’re of sound mind. They may not be able to say the same for me… 😄

      Like

  8. I told ’em I was a crazed serial killer with 25 of my victim’s bodies buried under my patio. However, I was informed that this wasn’t a sound enough reason to be excused service.
    I then wrote and told them that I was a big Justin Bieber fan, shortly after which I was told by return of post to “get out of our sight and never come back”
    Absolutely true…ish. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. lol well that’s a bit extreme 🙂
    I got out of it by clearly stating ‘they didn’t do it’ during the selection period … both men were jailed for 16 years before a retired cop leaked that police force did it 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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